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Top 10 – Worst attempts at music by footballers



Anyone who watches Soccer Am will know that many musicians are passionate football fans, and watching Soccer Aid they harboured dreams of making it as pro’s, but what happens when the roles are reversed and footballers try to become singers? The only half decent song I can remember being done for football was “Three Lions” by The Lightning Seeds, and Baddiel & Skinner. This prompted me to do a bit of investigation and having spent the morning listening to dreadful song after dreadful song I have compiled a top ten worst.

10: John Barnes and New Order – World in Motion


To be fair, as football songs go this isn’t half bad. In fact, it was good…THE FIRST TIME. But since it has now been released 3 times descending further down the charts on each occasion,  it’s going on the list. firstly released in 1990 for Italia 90, it actually got to number one. It was then re-released in 2002 for the Japan world cup only getting to number 43 this time and then in 2010 for the South Africa world cup peaking at number 23..

Okay, John Barnes was an ok rapper he wrote and performed the rap section of this song, and he appeared on the track “Anfield Rap”, a Liverpool FC FA Cup Final song, and he performed lead rap in Liverpool’s ’96 cup final song Pass and Move

However it’s mitigating qualities are without doubt down to professional musicians, New Order, being behind the song. Would a solo track by John Barnes be as good?

If the next 9 songs are anything to go by, probably not.

A particular highlight is around the 1:49 mark in this video where we see Chris Waddle’s mullet trailing in the wind as he runs with the ball.

9: Tottenham Hotspurs FA Cup Final Squad 1981: “Ossie’s Dream”

For their 1981 FA Cup final song, Tottenham Hotspurs enlisted the help of cockney music duo, Chas & Dave, to record “Ossie’s Dream.”

However, Ossie’s Dream was music’s nightmare. The worst part is without a doubt the end of the song when they break into the chant about Spurs’ star player, Ossie Ardiles.

Ossie’s going to Wembley

His knees have gone all trembley

Come on you Spurs

Come on you Spurs.

Please don’t worry that the visual and audio is out of sync in this YouTube video, it’s just terrible miming.

Ossie’s Dream got to number 5 in the charts, a quick look on ebay and its available to buy now for a mere £6.95.


8: Manchester United: “Lift It High (All About Belief)”

It is often debated within music circles “when did Britpop die?”

Debate over: It died when Manchester United tried doing it.

Most Manchester United fans remember 1999 as a great year for the club, where nothing went wrong.

However, something went wrong for them, something went very wrong. They entered the recording studio.

“Lift It High (All About Belief)” sounds like the charity single released by all the contestants on x factor who managed get through to the live shows. Still it managed to get to number 11 in the UK chart spending 5 weeks in the top 40.


7: Liverpool: “Anfield Rap”

While Manchester United might have overtaken their old rivals Liverpool in the total English title wins, Liverpool can still boast having a slightly worse team song than United.

It samples Bill Shankly quotes. “I built them up into bastion of invincibility, Napoleon and I nearly conquered the bloody world.”

The jist of the song is about John Aldridge and Steve McMahon trying to teach the rest of the players to be more scouse.

And it makes Honey G look like a credible rapper in comparison, with lyrics like this:

They’ve won the league, bigger stars than Dallas

They got more silver than Buckingham Palace

No one knows quite what to expect

When the red machine’s in full effect

Sounds good right? Surprisingly, it doesn’t quite work. I think I do have a copy somewhere if someone wants to pay good money?


6: Ian Wright – “Do The Right Thing”

You know it’s going to be a good song when there’s a pun in the song’s title.

The early ’90s dance “anthem” seems to be trying to communicate a powerful message to the listener.

The only problem is, it’s hard to tell what the message is apart from “do the right thing.” There just seems to be a collage of words preceding and following on from the sentence “do the right thing.”

Luckily, Ian followed the song’s only obvious message and did the right thing by never releasing a single again.

5: Paul Gascoigne – “Fog On The Tyne”

I personally believe this song has contributed to the mental well-being of Gazza, I have only listened to the song twice in my life and feel scarred forever. The song was number 18 in the top 100 worst ever songs on TMF.

The main flaw with the song is the logic behind the chorus (the River Tyne runs through Newcastle).

Fog on the Tyne, is all mine, all mine

Fog on the Tyne is all mine.

How can the fog belong to Gazza? Where would you keep it and how on earth would you store it?

The song does have a charm to it, how many songs have mention sausage rolls? Not enough in my opinion. Unbelievably this song was in the charts for 9 weeks and reached number 2. Gazza did bring out a follow up the “Gazza Rap” unfortunately or maybe fortunately depending on your opinion this bombed. At least now he can busk for money using a couple of his own original tunes.

4: Vinnie Jones – “Big Bad Leroy Brown”

In 2002, something possessed Vinnie Jones to cover “Big Bad Leroy Brown.”

Vinnie Jones has a reputation for being quite violent and not taking jokes about him that well so apologies in advance Vinnie please don’t hurt me, but this is really really bad. The singing is terrible and only the dad dancing deflects away from this. The song did not even chart that’s how it good it was.

3: Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle – ‘Dimond Lights’

Both Chris Waddle (with Basile Boli) and Glenn Hoddle (with Spurs 1981 cup final team) have already had songs out before, but they didn’t let that hold them back.

Chris Waddle and Glen Hoddle’s tentative steps into the world of music are probably the most well-known football-pop disaster. Their appearance on Top of the Pops with ‘Diamond Lights’ is an iconic moment in ’80s pop culture and, more importantly, the history of the mullet.

This song peaked at number 12 in the charts, however, what often gets forgotten is there was follow-up, which has even more mullet, incredible stonewash jeans and some gloriously bad acting. The record was sadly pulled when Hoddle moved to Monaco and couldn’t promote the track.

2: Andy (or Andrew as he now prefers) Cole – “Outstanding”

Andy Cole was one of England’s finest strikers in the ’90s with a net-busting record for Manchester United and Newcastle that would be the envy of most players. But then he went and ruined it all by trying to become the UK’s answer to Puff Daddy.

“Outstanding” (more like outrageous) In the introduction to the song, we’re told, “No one can do it better.”

This is a promise Andy Cole could not keep. Cole’s himself later told FourFourTwo about the song, “Forget this. That was shocking, man. No, really, fast-forward this.”

We must warn you that if you do fast-forward you will miss lyrics like:

United forever, whatever the weather

Less than 100%? Never!

The son of a miner, funkiest rhymer

Always in the news, my crew’s the headliner

£7.5 mill record breaker, I’m rapping on the mic, I’m a record maker.

With lyrics like this how could it only peak at 68? It beggars belief.


1: Kevin Keegan – “Head Over Heels In Love”

Cards on the table. There isn’t anything that isn’t really funny about Kevin Keegan’s “Head Over Heels In Love” video. Its just one of three embarrassing moments in Kevins life, the others being the “I will love it rant and the third resigning from the England job stating he was not good enough to do the job.

In many ways the prototype for Gazza, Keegan was the nation’s favourite footballer in the late ’70s and early ’80s and we can probably trace all these football pop songs back to a shaggy-haired King Kev and this Osmonds-esque wibbling wet ballad. He was the first footballer to release a solo single, I hope he was ripped to shreds by his team mates. I think

Close your eyes a minute and listen. Can you hear it? He’s singing the worst song in the world.The track written by Chris Norman and Pete Spencer is thankfully easily forgettable. Sadly, Keegan’s winged collar and flares are less so.

The song peaked at 31 and quite frankly I think that was just friends and family buying the record.


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Is the FA Cup losing it’s magic ?



Having just seen the conclusion of the 3rd round of this seasons’ FA Cup we can’t help but think that much like the Premier League, trophy is Man City’s to lose, but is the magic of the FA Cup still alive?
The 4th round draw has hardly produced any must watch ties and we’ll probably see the top level teams progress further into the competition as expected, however…
The question remains is the gap decreasing or do the higher level players just care that bit less?
Shrewsbury deserved to beat West Ham, Fleetwood held Leicester, Wigan were pegged back late on by Bournemouth and these are all before Forest blew Arsenal away and Coventry City ended a managerial reign.
With the notable exception of Wengers’ men, we feel it only fair to say that the PL clubs sent out strong sides with a small number of changes that you would deem acceptable based on past seasons and a relatively busy recent schedule.
Dropping out of the big time you’d find an array of other “shocks.” Villa, Brentford and QPR all crashed out at home to lower league opposition whilst Mansfield and Carlisle held Championship opposition in 0-0 stalemates.
Yes, there will be the inevitable increase in performance from lower level players, especially when the TV cameras are in presence but is there more too it?
We genuinely believe the gap is closing between the 4 professional leagues in the English game. We are seeing bang average players be transferred for 10’s of millions and on some occasions it’s nothing more than footballing snobbery. Look at the lads at Bristol City, did many of us know of them? Why have they not been linked with bigger clubs? Are scouts just being sent abroad?
Prime example – 2 of the best performing left backs in the country are Barry Douglas (Wolves) & Andy Robertson (Liverpool) they have both plied their trade for Queens Park and Dundee United but it has taken needless additional years before having their talent recognised, they both transferred in the summer for a combined £11m, 1/3 of the fee for Luke Shaw or 1/5 of that for Benjamin Mendy.
The clubs without the guaranteed revenue streams which are provided to the top table teams are working harder, becoming more technically able and appear to just want it more.
The Prem does provide excitement but it is becoming far too much about the money and not about the football, it’s about not losing and only in the league. For many the FA Cup is nothing more than a distraction and you wouldn’t be surprised if the players were told “it’s all about next week and three points.”
With the top 4 virtually an exclusive club surely many of these managers need to finally realise that their best chance of recognition is a cup run with an “unfashionable club.” It would once again be refreshing to see a winner in the mould of a Wigan Athletic.
What this does mean, is that lower level clubs need to be taken a lot more seriously and the coming rounds treated just like a league game.
With only 4 PL sides guaranteed to progress could we be on for an all non PL final?
MK Dons vs Sheffield United anyone?
The FA Cup will continue to divide opinion amongst the purists, but for now it is still one of Europe’s premier competitions. We just need to hope that it is continued to be taken seriously by the majority and it creates similar magic and stories to those it has in the past.

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Has the January transfer window lost it’s purpose?



 Like most things in football these days, or at least in the top leagues across the world, everything is done for the purpose of money. The clubs sing to the hymn sheets created by the constant search for financial gain. But, has it become such a way that the January transfer window has become another way to spin money and highlight the World elite to even more sponsors and the such like?

The Background

When the January transfer window was brought to the attention, as a concept, to Europe’s elite football associations it was initially frowned upon by most. That was in 1992/93, eventually in 1999 most of Europe had agreed to a transfer window commencing in mid-December through to the end of January. The Premier League, however, were relying on a final vote to determine whether or not the league and its clubs would be in or out.

Terry Venables. Godfarther of the 1992 Transfer window decision

In that vote 3-4 of the smaller clubs voted against the impending new transfer window in fear of their club collapsing if they couldn’t do business through other months of the year when profits could potentially be higher. The rest of the league voted in favour.
Then, in 2000, with FIFA under enormous pressure from the European Commission to wind up its whole transfer system, due to accusations being made that the system was breaching the Treaty of Rome. FIFA got an almighty kick up the rear and almost immediately came up with a compromise.
The compromise was to include compulsory transfer windows across its leagues, to prevent the issues that the Bosman debacle had created in 1995.

Jean-Marc Bosman – The game changer. Won a ruling in the European high court which banned restrictions on foreign EU players within national leagues and allowed players in the EU to move to another club at the end of a contract without a transfer fee being paid.

It got to 2001 and the Premier league had still not agreed to the proposals put forward by FIFA, however the rest of Europe had and even the European Commission were now on board with FIFA’s plans.
Finally, in 2002/03 the Premier League and its teams succumbed to mounting pressure and accepted the proposals.

As it stands…

You could probably ask all the managers in the Premier league for their opinions on the January window and the old fashioned managers (the likes of Pardew, Moyes & Allardyce) will tell you it causes unnecessary problems and disruption midway through a season.
The new managers, however, have almost been brought up on the reality of the format being here to stay. They almost certainly utilise it better and often, because of that, get more support and backing financially from the board above them at their respective clubs.
Ultimately, the idea of this current window wasn’t really something the Premier League wanted. That was before the enormous amounts of television money were poured into clubs and subsequently meant the Premier League was the biggest financial money churner the world over.

The windows current image

Put simply, it’s no longer about clubs strengthening their squads. Gone is the ideology of clubs selling players to buy players, because they just don’t need to do that anymore. There’s now enough money at each Premier league club to buy a player within their means without worrying about the cost.
The January transfer window is now purely a luxury for the bigger clubs to have another opportunity to flex their muscles and bring in the big names. Some might say that’s a cynical way of looking at it, but there’s no plausible way or reasonable fact to prove it’s any different. Rarely do the clubs below the bottom half of the league go out and buy 2-3 players like they might in the summer, because they don’t have the funds like they would in the summer from things such as TV deals and kit sponsors.
The only benefit this current period in the season has for clubs not in a financial position to buy players, is the option to loan them until the end of the season – usually to try and stave off the threat of relegation – often a temporary measure that will wind up with the club following the same process the following year.

Further afield…

When you look away from the Premier League you start to see that it’s a common theme that other leagues don’t spend much in the January window and instead opt for loan deals;
Bundesliga 16/17 season (January): £92,124,000.
Bundesliga 16/17 season (Summer): £498,944,250.
Loan deals – Departures in Jan: 62
Loan deals – Arrivals in Jan: 40
La Liga 16/17 season (January): £25,425,000.
La Liga 16/17 season (Summer): £439,051,500.
Loan deals – Departures in Jan: 59
Loan deals – Arrivals in Jan: 54
Serie A season 16/17 (January): £88,231,007.
Serie A season 16/17 (Summer): £662,917,461.
Loan deals – Departures in Jan: 217
Loan deals – Arrivals in Jan: 184
The best example that the loan option is being exploited because of the constraints of the transfer window, much against its intention, is that of Serie A. Of the 184 arrivals to clubs in Italy in January last season, on a loan basis, 54% of those were players returning to the club they were originally contracted at. Proving once more that so often players leave in January for 12 months and then return to their former clubs. That holds no benefit for the players involved in most cases.
Another case in point and more recently is ‘Barkley-gate’ between Everton and Chelsea. Between August 2017 and January 2018, a fee of £35 million was agreed on 31st August for the injured midfielder who’d been at Everton for 13 years. The player and his agent conspired to turn down that move. Just 4 months on and while he was still injured, a new fee was agreed between the clubs meaning the selling club (Everton in this case) gets £20 million less for the lad in whom they’d invested so much. Evidently, that deal would have been agreed between the clubs and then quietly between the player, his agent and Chelsea with the latter always focused on a deal in January.

To summarise

The January transfer was not something that the elite leagues and football associations all over Europe wanted. The window was formed by FIFA to appease the mounting pressure they were under from the European Commission. Surely it’s finally time to level the playing field by abandoning the January window and hand the Premier League’s struggling clubs and managers a greater degree of stability for a whole season at a time. Ultimately becoming a way to level up the money/no money situation thats obviously apparent every season across Europe.

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The Top Ten Worst January Signings in the Premier League



For every Coutinho or Suarez to join the Premier League during the January transfer window, there have been a few players who have not quite hit the same heights. Often clubs will spend large sums of money in order to improve their team. Unfortunately, this does not always have the desired impact and some teams have ended up with costly flops over the years. Here are ten of the worst mid-season signings made by Premier League clubs.

10: Alberto Paloschi

(Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)

A product of the AC Milan academy, Paloschi spent five years at Chievo Verona before getting his big break in the Premier League. Swansea City had struggled after several good years with one-season wonder Michu, Ivorian hitman Wilfried Bony and even the unfashionable Danny Graham spearheading their attack during a multitude of mid-table finishes. Despite the promise shown by Andre Ayew, and Bafetimbi Gomis chipping in with a few goals, the Swans were still struggling to find a prolific goalscorer to replace Bony. They turned to Paloschi spending £8m on the Italian. He scored just twice in ten Premier League appearances before being sold to Atalanta. His form did not improve and he joined newly-promoted SPAL on loan this season having failed to score for his parent club last year.

9: Juan Cuadrado

The tricky Columbian winger joined Chelsea from Fiorentina in February 2015 for an initial fee of £23.3m. He failed to make an impact but was backed by manager Jose Mourinho who said Cuadrado would be “amazing next season.” Things didn’t quite go to plan as Juventus signed him on an initial loan deal which was later made permanent for around £17m. With just fifteen appearances to his name and no goals in England, Cuadrado will be remembered in England as an expensive flop. Although the same was said about Mohamed Salah who joined Fiorentina on loan as part of the deal to bring Cuadrado to West London. And look how that turned out…

8: Wilfred Bony

He may have been a major hit for Swansea when he first arrived from Vitesse Arnhem in the summer of 2013, however it has been downhill ever since for Wilfried Bony. As a £25m signing for Manchester City in January 2015, big things were expected of the hitman who had struck 35 goals in 70 games for the Swans. Yet, it turned out to be a nightmare all round as he found the back of the net just ten times during a year and a half in Manchester. It got worse as a loan spell at Stoke during the 2016/17 season yielded just two goals and eleven appearances in all competitions. City cut their losses and sold him back to Swansea for £12m, although his fortunes have hardly improved since with only two goals so far this season.

7: Afonso Alves

Premier League signings from the Eredivisie tend to go one of two ways. They generally turn out to be either brilliant signings along the lines of Luis Suarez and Robin van Persie, or major flops such as Vincent Janssen or Afonso Alves. The Brazilian had a brilliant record in Holland scoring 48 goals in as many appearances for Heerenveen. When he arrived on Teeside for just under £13m back in January 2008 big things were expected. He scored a respectable six goals in eleven appearances during his first season in England, although half of those came in Boro’s famous 8-1 thrashing of Manchester City. In his second season however he struck just four times as his side were relegated to the Championship. He moved to Qatar in the summer of 2009 where he played out the remainder of his career.

6: Kostas Mitroglou

The free-scoring Greek couldn’t stop finding the back of the net during the first half of the 2013/14 season. He struck three hat-tricks in the league for Olympiacos and one in the Champions League by the beginning of October and continued to score consistently throughout the next few months. This prompted relegation-threatened Fulham to make him their record signing during the January transfer window.
Injuries restricted him to just three appearances in which he failed to score and the Cottagers ultimately ended up in the Championship. With no desire to play in the second tier, Mitroglou re-joined Olympiacos on loan in the 2014/15 season before heading to Benfica on another temporary deal the following year. He eventually joined the Portuguese giants for around half the £12m he had cost Fulham. The man known as “Mitrogoal” has to be a strong contender for Fulham’s worst ever signing.

5: Jean-Alain Boumsong

The French defender had only been at Glasgow Rangers for a few months when Newcastle United manager Graeme Souness decided to spend £8m to bring him to Tyneside. Boumsong had a nightmare in the North-East and was responsible for his side conceding several goals. He formed one of the Premier League’s worst ever partnerships alongside the man voted 2004’s worst player in the Premier League by readers of The Fiver, Titus Bramble. Newcastle lost more than half their transfer fee when he was sold to Juventus for £3.3m in 2006 following the Italian giants’ relegation to Serie B as part of their punishments for involvement in the infamous Calciopoli match-fixing scandal. Funnily enough, he wasn’t missed by Newcastle fans after his departure.

4: Christopher Samba

After five successful years in the Premier League with Blackburn, Samba left for big-spending Anzhi Makhachkala. Following just one year in Russia which was marred by claims of racial abuse, Samba joined QPR in the middle of the 2012/13 season. Like Anzhi, QPR at the time were highly ambitious and brought several big names to the club including Jose Bosingwa, Esteban Granero and Park Ji-Sung. Also like Anzhi, the QPR experiment ended in disaster and Samba had a big part to play in that. He publicly apologised for two costly blunders in a 3-2 defeat to Fulham and made just ten largely forgettable performances during a season which saw Rangers finish bottom of the league. Remarkably, they recouped the majority of their transfer outlay when the giant Congolese defender was sold back to Anzhi in the summer.

3: Savio Nsereko

Back in 2009 when the forward joined West Ham from Brescia, £9m was a lot of money for a Premier League side to spend. That is what the Hammers paid for the highly-rated former Germany youth international and it turned out to be a disaster. After just one start and a handful of substitute appearances he was sold to Fiorentina for a big loss. He had scored three times in as many years for Brescia, but it was not for over five years that his next strike came during a short spell in Kazakhstan. Still only 28, he last played for a club almost a year ago, that club being Pipinsried, then of the German fifth division. Aside from his disastrous spell in East London, he is best known for a false kidnapping claim in Thailand in which he attempted to extort a ransom from his own family after racking up large debts.

2: Andy Carroll

Liverpool broke their transfer record at the end of January 2011 to bring Andy Carroll to the club for £35m from Newcastle. On the same day they bought a lesser-known striker from Ajax called Luis Suarez. The two strikers ended up taking opposite paths with Suarez becoming one of the world’s best players and Carroll establishing a reputation as one of Liverpool’s greatest flops. Whilst the Englishman has since had relative success at West Ham, he never lived up to expectations and left for just £15m. Liverpool bought Carroll to replace Fernando Torres who joined Chelsea for a then-record £50m on the same day…

1: Fernando Torres

If Carroll was the second-worst January transfer the Premier League has ever seen, then Torres has to go down as the worst. In terms of ability, Torres certainly was not one of the worst players of his time, but considering the enormous price tag and his drop in form from one of the world’s best strikers at Liverpool to bang average at Chelsea, the Spaniard was undoubtably a major flop in West London. He scored just once in his first 18 appearances and failed to improve significantly throughout his 2.5-year spell at Stamford Bridge. An unsuccessful spell at AC Milan followed before he headed back to Atletico Madrid where he initially made his name. Whilst he has improved since returning to his homeland, he has never reached the heights he found during his first spell at the club and his stint at Liverpool. An expensive mistake for Chelsea who only lost his record-signing status in July 2017 when compatriot Alvaro Morata joined the club.

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