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Top 10 – Worst attempts at music by footballers

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Anyone who watches Soccer Am will know that many musicians are passionate football fans, and watching Soccer Aid they harboured dreams of making it as pro’s, but what happens when the roles are reversed and footballers try to become singers? The only half decent song I can remember being done for football was “Three Lions” by The Lightning Seeds, and Baddiel & Skinner. This prompted me to do a bit of investigation and having spent the morning listening to dreadful song after dreadful song I have compiled a top ten worst.

10: John Barnes and New Order – World in Motion

 

To be fair, as football songs go this isn’t half bad. In fact, it was good…THE FIRST TIME. But since it has now been released 3 times descending further down the charts on each occasion,  it’s going on the list. firstly released in 1990 for Italia 90, it actually got to number one. It was then re-released in 2002 for the Japan world cup only getting to number 43 this time and then in 2010 for the South Africa world cup peaking at number 23..

Okay, John Barnes was an ok rapper he wrote and performed the rap section of this song, and he appeared on the track “Anfield Rap”, a Liverpool FC FA Cup Final song, and he performed lead rap in Liverpool’s ’96 cup final song Pass and Move

However it’s mitigating qualities are without doubt down to professional musicians, New Order, being behind the song. Would a solo track by John Barnes be as good?

If the next 9 songs are anything to go by, probably not.

A particular highlight is around the 1:49 mark in this video where we see Chris Waddle’s mullet trailing in the wind as he runs with the ball.

9: Tottenham Hotspurs FA Cup Final Squad 1981: “Ossie’s Dream”

For their 1981 FA Cup final song, Tottenham Hotspurs enlisted the help of cockney music duo, Chas & Dave, to record “Ossie’s Dream.”

However, Ossie’s Dream was music’s nightmare. The worst part is without a doubt the end of the song when they break into the chant about Spurs’ star player, Ossie Ardiles.

Ossie’s going to Wembley

His knees have gone all trembley

Come on you Spurs

Come on you Spurs.

Please don’t worry that the visual and audio is out of sync in this YouTube video, it’s just terrible miming.

Ossie’s Dream got to number 5 in the charts, a quick look on ebay and its available to buy now for a mere £6.95.

 

8: Manchester United: “Lift It High (All About Belief)”

It is often debated within music circles “when did Britpop die?”

Debate over: It died when Manchester United tried doing it.

Most Manchester United fans remember 1999 as a great year for the club, where nothing went wrong.

However, something went wrong for them, something went very wrong. They entered the recording studio.

“Lift It High (All About Belief)” sounds like the charity single released by all the contestants on x factor who managed get through to the live shows. Still it managed to get to number 11 in the UK chart spending 5 weeks in the top 40.

 

7: Liverpool: “Anfield Rap”

While Manchester United might have overtaken their old rivals Liverpool in the total English title wins, Liverpool can still boast having a slightly worse team song than United.

It samples Bill Shankly quotes. “I built them up into bastion of invincibility, Napoleon and I nearly conquered the bloody world.”

The jist of the song is about John Aldridge and Steve McMahon trying to teach the rest of the players to be more scouse.

And it makes Honey G look like a credible rapper in comparison, with lyrics like this:

They’ve won the league, bigger stars than Dallas

They got more silver than Buckingham Palace

No one knows quite what to expect

When the red machine’s in full effect

Sounds good right? Surprisingly, it doesn’t quite work. I think I do have a copy somewhere if someone wants to pay good money?

 

6: Ian Wright – “Do The Right Thing”

You know it’s going to be a good song when there’s a pun in the song’s title.

The early ’90s dance “anthem” seems to be trying to communicate a powerful message to the listener.

The only problem is, it’s hard to tell what the message is apart from “do the right thing.” There just seems to be a collage of words preceding and following on from the sentence “do the right thing.”

Luckily, Ian followed the song’s only obvious message and did the right thing by never releasing a single again.

5: Paul Gascoigne – “Fog On The Tyne”

I personally believe this song has contributed to the mental well-being of Gazza, I have only listened to the song twice in my life and feel scarred forever. The song was number 18 in the top 100 worst ever songs on TMF.

The main flaw with the song is the logic behind the chorus (the River Tyne runs through Newcastle).

Fog on the Tyne, is all mine, all mine

Fog on the Tyne is all mine.

How can the fog belong to Gazza? Where would you keep it and how on earth would you store it?

The song does have a charm to it, how many songs have mention sausage rolls? Not enough in my opinion. Unbelievably this song was in the charts for 9 weeks and reached number 2. Gazza did bring out a follow up the “Gazza Rap” unfortunately or maybe fortunately depending on your opinion this bombed. At least now he can busk for money using a couple of his own original tunes.

4: Vinnie Jones – “Big Bad Leroy Brown”

In 2002, something possessed Vinnie Jones to cover “Big Bad Leroy Brown.”

Vinnie Jones has a reputation for being quite violent and not taking jokes about him that well so apologies in advance Vinnie please don’t hurt me, but this is really really bad. The singing is terrible and only the dad dancing deflects away from this. The song did not even chart that’s how it good it was.

3: Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle – ‘Dimond Lights’

Both Chris Waddle (with Basile Boli) and Glenn Hoddle (with Spurs 1981 cup final team) have already had songs out before, but they didn’t let that hold them back.

Chris Waddle and Glen Hoddle’s tentative steps into the world of music are probably the most well-known football-pop disaster. Their appearance on Top of the Pops with ‘Diamond Lights’ is an iconic moment in ’80s pop culture and, more importantly, the history of the mullet.

This song peaked at number 12 in the charts, however, what often gets forgotten is there was follow-up, which has even more mullet, incredible stonewash jeans and some gloriously bad acting. The record was sadly pulled when Hoddle moved to Monaco and couldn’t promote the track.

2: Andy (or Andrew as he now prefers) Cole – “Outstanding”

Andy Cole was one of England’s finest strikers in the ’90s with a net-busting record for Manchester United and Newcastle that would be the envy of most players. But then he went and ruined it all by trying to become the UK’s answer to Puff Daddy.

“Outstanding” (more like outrageous) In the introduction to the song, we’re told, “No one can do it better.”

This is a promise Andy Cole could not keep. Cole’s himself later told FourFourTwo about the song, “Forget this. That was shocking, man. No, really, fast-forward this.”

We must warn you that if you do fast-forward you will miss lyrics like:

United forever, whatever the weather

Less than 100%? Never!

The son of a miner, funkiest rhymer

Always in the news, my crew’s the headliner

£7.5 mill record breaker, I’m rapping on the mic, I’m a record maker.

With lyrics like this how could it only peak at 68? It beggars belief.

 

1: Kevin Keegan – “Head Over Heels In Love”

Cards on the table. There isn’t anything that isn’t really funny about Kevin Keegan’s “Head Over Heels In Love” video. Its just one of three embarrassing moments in Kevins life, the others being the “I will love it rant and the third resigning from the England job stating he was not good enough to do the job.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Yenzdq5g6o&feature=youtu.be

In many ways the prototype for Gazza, Keegan was the nation’s favourite footballer in the late ’70s and early ’80s and we can probably trace all these football pop songs back to a shaggy-haired King Kev and this Osmonds-esque wibbling wet ballad. He was the first footballer to release a solo single, I hope he was ripped to shreds by his team mates. I think

Close your eyes a minute and listen. Can you hear it? He’s singing the worst song in the world.The track written by Chris Norman and Pete Spencer is thankfully easily forgettable. Sadly, Keegan’s winged collar and flares are less so.

The song peaked at 31 and quite frankly I think that was just friends and family buying the record.

 

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Andy Robertson – From Amateur to Anfield

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Another 3 points gained under the Anfield lights on Saturday evening and another outstanding performance from one of Liverpool’s star men. Nope we’re not talking about Salah, Mane Mane or Bobby Firmino because it’s all about Robbo, Andy Robertson.
The left back who has made the position his own and is quite rightly receiving the plaudits he deserves.

Andy Robertson

Just 5 years ago Andy Robertson was playing for Scottish 3rd Division side Queens Park, a club in which he signed for after having been released by Celtic for being too small earlier in his career.
His move to Dundee United saw him instantly catch the eye of many north of the border. A renewed contract was agreed within just weeks of his debut and was followed with being PFA’s “Scotland Young Player of the Year” and a subsequent place in the PFA “Scotland Team of the Year” for the 2013-14 Scottish Premiership season.

Andy Robertson
All of this convinced Hull City to swoop with a near £3m bid to get their man, United accepted and the left back was on his way to the EPL.
3 seasons with Hull under the stewardship of former Man Utd stalwart Steve Bruce allowed him to gain what is deemed acceptable experience in England and it was Liverpool who won the race for his signature.
An absolute bargain at a reported £8m and his dream debut season is showing no signs of slowing down.

He has even earned the approval of Kop legend Stevie G. He told BT Sport: “He’s done terrifically well since coming in and the fans have taken to him. It’s not just about Luis Suarez and Fernando Torres, the top players that come, the fans love someone who gives 100 per cent.”
“He’s come in and he’s a very humble kid and gives it his all every game. To be fair to the kid. He’s been excellent.”
His lung bursting closing down run vs Man City made him a social media sensation but for those who have watched him for the past few years this was nothing out of the ordinary.
International recognition has obviously come his way and with 20 caps already under his belt, his partnership with Kieran Tierney gives The Tartan Army a strong looking left side for years to come.
He’s has never given up and has taken every chance that has come his way.
One of the signings of the 2017/18 season has undoubtedly been Liverpool’s Number 26.

Andy Robertson

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Nick Pope – From League Two to Russia as Englands most in form keeper?

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Some pretty daft things are said in the wake of a team winning promotion. Players who, in the depths of winter, you were berating for not being able to pass a ball two yards are suddenly going to be providing the names of your first born. You claim that you believed in the team all along, when in reality, after a home defeat by Dagenham & Redbridge, you had sworn never to go again. Most stupidly of all however, you claim that your young loanee goalkeeper will go to the next World Cup. Or at least that’s what I did after Bury’s promotion on the last day of the 2014/15 season. While little Thomas Daniel has yet to show his face, the latter statement may actually come true as Gareth Southgate takes a look at Burnley’s Nick Pope in his latest England squad.

Nick joined Bury in January 2015, on loan from Charlton Athletic. Our promotion campaign wasn’t running particularly smoothly. The day before Pope’s debut we sat 9th in League Two, two points outside the play off places and nine points off the automatic promotion places. We’d lost nine games, shipped as many goals as Tranmere, who went on to be relegated and the aforementioned Dagenham & Redbridge had managed to do the double over us as they fought at the wrong end of the table. Three goalkeepers had already worn the ‘keeper’s jersey before Pope. Shwan Jalal, Rob Lainton and Scott Loach had tried and failed to provide the solid goalkeeper David Flitcroft was looking for.

Pope’s debut was a pretty forgettable home draw against Wycombe Wanderers. He conceded a goal, which was to be rarity during Nick’s time with Bury. In the following 21 games, Pope conceded only nine goals, won fifteen games and lost only four. Pope exuded a calmness rarely sighted in the fourth tier of English football, instilling a new confidence in a defence which had underperformed for most the season. Come the final day of the season, Bury needed to win to be promoted. Away at Tranmere, who had already been relegated, the nerves showed. Pope was called upon to make crucial saves to keep the scores level. In the 61st minute however, Tom Soares wrote himself into Bury folklore and at the end of game, Bury found themselves in League One.

The following season, Pope was back with parent club Charlton. He began and ended the season as Charlton’s first choice goalkeeper, not playing all the games as Charlton preferred Stephen Henderson through the middle part of the season. This season was to be one of disappointment however, as Charlton were relegated to League One. Rather than drop down to League One with Charlton, Pope’s career took a different path. The winners of the Championship, Burnley, decided to take Nick onto the Premier League, signing him on a three year deal in July 2016. Pope played only cup matches in his first season with the Clarets. Even when Tom Heaton missed Premier League matches, 37 year old former England goalkeeper Paul Robinson was the preferred option.

With Robinson retiring in July of 2017 and a further injury to Tom Heaton opening the door, the 2017/18 season has seen Pope grasp his opportunity with both hands. To date Pope has kept ten clean sheets in twenty seven Premier League appearances, working behind a defence containing fellow England hopefuls James Tarkowski and Ben Mee.

Could Pope go from League Two to a World Cup in three years? Despite being arguably England’s most in-form goalkeeper heading into the tournament the chances are probably slim. Without any injuries, Gareth Southgate will take Joe Hart, Jack Butland and Jordan Pickford. Despite being woefully out of form, going into a tournament without Joe Hart would be seen as a mistake by most, given his experience, even if he is just there to lend a helping hand to the number one. Butland doesn’t seem to be losing any favour from being embroiled in Stoke’s relegation battle while Pickford could claim to be Everton’s best player of this season. However one mistake, a loss of form or injury could see Pope take the place of any of these three.

Back at Bury, nearly three years have passed since that rainy day promotion at Tranmere and we have never properly replaced Nick Pope. Since that day twelve (!) different goalkeepers have been used, seven during the 2015/16 season alone. As we head towards relegation back to League Two, the summer would be that little bit more bearable knowing that an ex – Shaker was on the biggest stage of them all. All the best Nick, lad. UTS.

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How good is your FA Cup Knowledge?

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LONDON, ENGLAND – MAY 27: The FA Cup Trophy is seen prior to The Emirates FA Cup Final between Arsenal and Chelsea at Wembley Stadium on May 27, 2017 in London, England. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)

How good is your FA Cup knowledge?

FA Cup Quiz

Test your FA Cup knowledge with our quiz to mark the occasion.

Leaderboard: FA Cup Quiz

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