We’re all fully aware of Wayne Rooney’s resemblance to Shrek, David Luiz and Side Show Bob – they’re all too easy. The beautiful game has witnessed a number of footballer lookalikes so we decided to sit down and pick the best of the best.
Phil Jones & Beaker
Old but gold! Phil Jones’ resemblance to Beaker from The Muppets has been greatly admired since his first day of gurning on the Old Trafford field. But it’s that good, it’s going in.
Jack Wilshere & Eleven
A baby faced Jack Wilshere bears a striking resemblance to Eleven from the hit sci-fi series ‘Stranger Things’. It would seem, however, the two have more than just looks in common. On watching the first series, young Eleven is cast aside by a greater force to a civilisation less advanced, damaged and abused but capable of amazing things in short bursts… Uncanny.
Jonjo Shelvey & Lord Voldemort
Another old but gold edition. A long-admired resemblance, but it did bring one of the best chants of 2013 (which coincidentally you can see in our Top 10 funny chants video). Since his arrival at Newcastle there have been rumours that JonJo is in fact Voldermort and using his disguise as an average and angry midfielder to get a little closer to Harry Potter who reportedly lives in Scotland. Not sure if it’s true but you can find more details here.
Gervinho & a jelly fish from Shark Tail
The ex-Arsenal midfielder had, without doubt, the worse comb over in the history of man. There were rumours the the Ivory Coast man used to disappear into the caretakers cupboard before every game and mysteriously there would always be a mop head missing, but I’m not 100% how true the rumour was. Either way, he looks like this jelly fish.
Fernando Torres & Bruno
We could have matched the Ex-Liverpool and Chelsea striker to any number of teenage girls on the cover of Teen Vogue, but we went instead for Sacha Baron Cohen’s fictional gay reporter Bruno.
Arsene Wenger & Blanche from Coronation Street
Their resemblance is uncanny. No doubt if Arsene popped into the Rovers for a swift Chateau post-game on a cold damp Tuesday in Manchester, Deirdre and Ken themselves would need to do a double take.
Jason Puncheon & Raphael’s depiction of The Entombment of Christ
This is as high-brow as I think we are ever going to get. As many footballers in the past have been known to re-enacted a number of scenarios from different movies and life situations in celebration of a goal (we all remember Gazza’s dentist chair), so I feel it would be rude for us to make the assumption that Jason Puncheon’s 2016 winning goal celebration against Swansea was a mere accident, and the striking resemblance to the work of Italian Renaissance master Raphael and his oil depiction of The Entombment of Christ was not a pre-planned demonstration by the Palace players after a visit to the Vatican Pinacoteca.
Vincent Kompany & Megamind
Since 2010 we’ve been waiting for Brad Pitt, Will Ferrell and co. to get back together for Megamind 2. Sadly though, as the years pass by it is looking less and less likely the union will take place…If only we could get a bright-eyed, bulbous headed gentleman to pull a blue shirt over his head to influence the creators. Any ideas?
Julian Lesscott & a Star Trek Klingon
In 2012 Comedian Omid Djalili had to issue a public apology after comparing England footballer Joleon Lescott to a ‘Klingon’. Not realising that Lescott had been in a car crash causing the scar on his forehead. We’re going to take the ‘enough time has passed now’ approach and slip him in at number two and hope no one notices.
ANGEL DI MARIA & FRIK THE GNOME (FROM ‘MERLIN’)
Angel Di Maria’s face is the gift that just keeps giving. Many resemblances have been made but the remarkable resemblance to Frik the gnome from the 1998 fantasy film ‘Merlin’… No, me neither. But I do know the next time I pay a visit to the local gimp dungeon, Di Maria is not the man I want licking my boots for the evening.
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The BIGGEST Upsets in the History of Football.
In 1969, on league cup final day, the Arsenal went to Wembley, they walked the Wembley way. They thought they had it easy, they thought they won the cup, and along came Swindon Town FC and f***ed the bastards up.
Swindon, at the time, were minnows in Division 3 of the football pyramid. Considered huge underdogs in comparison to Arsenal, a team much bigger than Swindon and two divisions above them. Swindon somehow won, possibly thanks to some of Arsenal players having ‘flu’ and Swindon’s attitude of never say never. It was Swindon’s first ever game at Wembley, and what a result it was to match the occasion.
Considered one of the huge upsets in the History of football – I’ll be taking a look at some other nearly as good underdog wins.
Wrexham 2-1 Arsenal:
Sticking on the topic of Arsenal, in 1992 Wrexham, who at the time were in the fourth division of English football, stunned First Division Arsenal. A free kick from Wrexham icon Micky Thomas helped them overcome their much larger opposition. Arsenal boasted talent such as Alan Smith, David Seaman, Lee Dixon and Tony Adams – but despite all the huge names playing – they still couldn’t overcome the dragons at the Racehorse ground.
Lincoln Red Imps 1-0 Celtic:
How often do you hear fireman and taxi drivers playing against one of the most recognised teams in football? Well, in June of 2016, part timers Lincoln Red Imps from Gibraltar beat Celtic 1-0 in the second qualifying round of the Champions league. A goal from Casciaro, a fu**ing police officer may I add, was enough to beat the Scottish side. Sadly, the Imps lost 3-0 at Celtic Park – but their win is a result that will not be forgotten by many.
Bradford 4-2 Chelsea:
Giants Chelsea came into this game overwhelming favourites. Suffering from complacency, the Premier League titans were completely bamboozled and embarrassed in their own backyard. With stars such as Salah, Cech and Drogba the Seven-time FA Cup winners couldn’t overcome the likes of McArdle, Knott and Hanson.
Burnley 0-1 Lincoln:
Ahh who can remember this game? A late headed goal saw Lincoln overcome a Burnley side who looked solid. Lincoln had just one shot on target for the entirety of the 90 minutes. They became the first non-league side in 103 years to reach the quarter-finals of the FA Cup. An incredible achievement made even better by their promotion to the Football League.
I thought I’d finish with a special result. A result that shocked the footballing gods. A result that made England look like absolute tw*ts.
England 1-2 Iceland:
Any English person would get triggered by this result. An absolute sh*tshow that highlighted how we have really fallen as a nation. An embarrassment. The result was so appalling and so bad that Roy Hodgson actually resigned – a result that almost ruined England’s reputation – and really showed the world what we are all about! Thanks to some amazing finishing, world-class goalkeeping and incredible Lovren style defending, Iceland ran out 2-1 winner in the Last 16 of the Euros.
Top 10 Crazy Footballers. No 9 Mark Bosnich
Mark Bosnich. Usually loved by their own but hated by everyone else. Often frustrating, the traits of the unhinged can often get your club into more trouble than it’s worth. But, all the same, we all secretly love a nutter. It makes things interesting. Which is why we’ve sieved through the badass history books to uncover the Top 10 Crazy Bastards the Footballing World has seen.
No 9 Mark Bosnich
Mark Bosnich, or Bozza as he was better-known to his team mates, first entered the English game in 1989 after moving to England from Austrailia, aged 17, signing for Manchester Utd on a non-contract basis. Bosnich, however, only managed three pre-season appearances for the Red Devils before his registration with the club was cancelled and he was forced to return home. However, after just a year back in his native Australia, Bosinch managed to secure a return to England. Signing for Aston Villa in 1992, after a number of years learning his trade with the youth team, Bozzer managed to cement himself as a Villa first team regular during the 95/96 season, lighting up the Premiership with some fantastic displays and his chirpy personality. However, we only had to wait 12 months for the Aussie to hit the headlines for all the wrong reasons
The Nazi salute
Tottenham v Aston Villa October 1996
It was during the previous year’s fixture in 1995 that Mark Bosnich first fell out with Tottenham fans after he was involved in a nasty clash with Spurs’ golden boy Jurgen Klinsman. The collision saw the German being stretchered off with a concussion and many Spurs fans feeling Bosnich had gone into the challenge with intent. Now we all know it’s not like football fans to hold a grudge, however, Spurs’ fans decided to make an exception in Bozza’s case and, during the repeat fixture, bombarded the Aussie with a barrage of abuse throughout the game. Bosnich’s response? Pull out a Hitler salute.
Yes, how else would you respond to supporters known for their strong Jewish ties? Pull out your finest genocidal dictator impression of course. Needless to say, this got Bozza into a spot of bother. The Villa favourite would later call the BBC to apologise, explaining that he was mimicking Basil Fawlty and had not meant to cause any offence. Yeah, alright mate.
The Sex Tape
Off the field, Bozzer had also developed a reputation for being a bit of a ladies man, often appearing in the red tops gossip sections more frequently than the back pages. However, despite this reputation, Villa’s top shagger he was not. That crown firmly belonged to Trinidad & Tobago international Dwight Yorke, who was renowned for his nocturnal activities.
Needless to say, the pair’s mutual appreciation of the female form saw Yorke and Bozzer strike up a close friendship and they were often seen out on the town together. However in 1998, the rampant behaviour of Bosnich and Yorke left the pair red-faced after a video emerged in the press involving an orgy with four local girls.
Two Premier League footballers involved in an orgy…”So what” you say? Nothing new. But this wasn’t your run-of-the-mill gang bang, the pair were filmed with the four girls in Yorke’s luxury apartment, dressed up as women! Bozzer, who was engaged at the time, was filmed wearing a white mini skirt, being whipped and having his toes sucked by two women at once. Dirty buggers. The exploits would never have seen the light of day but Yorke, who filmed the exploits himself, decided to toss the tape in the bin rather than just erasing the footage, only for a bin-dipping journo to strike gold in amongst the previous week’s pizza boxes. Although the whole situation is completely ridiculous, hats off to Bosnich. If the many rumours are true, Yorke doesn’t exactly fall short in the trouser department, and you’d have to be a braver man than me to whip you todger out in the presence of the Trinidadian.
In 1999, Bosnich became the only player Sir Alex Ferguson re-signed, arriving on a free transfer from Aston Villa. Although Ferguson later admitted after his retirment that the re-signing of Bosnich was one of his worst. Ferguson described him as a ‘terrible professional’ in his book, admitting that his love for fatty foods made him a nightmare to deal with.
“We played down at Wimbledon and Bosnich was tucking into everything: sandwiches, soups, steaks. He was going through the menu.” the book reads.
“We arrived back in Manchester and Mark was on the mobile phone to a Chinese restaurant to order a takeaway. I said: ‘Is there no end to you?”
Bosnich managed just 23 appearances for United before French international Fabian Bartez was brought in from Monaco. From there, Bozzer spent the next 12 months with his fat arse parked on the bench, not making another first team appearance and eventually making a move to Chelsea on a free transfer in the summer of 2001.
Surprisingly, problems with his fitness and injury meant Bozzer didn’t make his Chelsea debut until the following season, making only 5 appearances during the tail-end of the 2001/2002 campaign. Bosnich’s resurgence to first team football however wasn’t to last long…
Bosnich was earning approximately £45,000 a week at Chelsea and, after returning from injury during the pre-season of 2002, this was his opportunity to once again prove his worth. Unfortunately this wasn’t to be the case as he failed a drugs test and got sacked by his new employers.
Testing positive for cocaine, Bosnich initially claimed he had had his drink spiked with the drug whilst in a nightclub. The FA, however, weren’t having any of it and Bozzer was banned from the game for nine months.
Bosnich would later admit to a £5000 a week, 10 gram a day coke habit. However he stood by his spiking story and, instead, blamed his drugs ban on turning him into a coke head.
Taken from an interview with Austrailian website – shm.com.aus
August 18, 2003
“This is my confession,” Bosnich said.
“Until a couple of weeks ago I was addicted to cocaine.
“My life was ruled by drugs and I was a mess. I was staying awake on coke for days on end. It was destroying me.”
“I know people won’t believe me but I want to come clean,” he said.
“I wasn’t taking any drugs when I was found guilty by the FA. In 15 years of football I never touched them.
“But everybody believed that I was into drugs, especially because of my relationship with Sophie [Anderton, his girlfriend]. So one day I thought, f— it, I’m going to do it.
“I went to a club, bought a £50 wrap of coke, and brought it home to try. Basically, I cracked.
“I was angry and bitter and I succumbed to what everyone said I was, a coke fiend.”
Bosnich later claimed he used the drug to try to frighten his high profile girlfriend Sophie Anderton, a model with a history of drug and alcohol abuse, into going clean.
“I told her that for every line of cocaine she would take, I would take two. And that’s exactly what I did,” he said.
“I knew it would hurt her and, to be honest, I felt invincible.
“But I reached a stage where I was taking six grams of cocaine a day.
“I was staying awake on coke for days on end, just constantly playing computer games and watching TV. Once I was up for four nights in a row.”
Bosnich said he was shocked into going clean after he almost shot his father, after mistaking him for a burglar.
“I was high on coke and I had my airgun in my hands,” he said.
“I’d been up for three or four days and was playing around in the house.
“I heard a noise downstairs and I thought it was a burglar, so I raced down with my pistol.
“As he came around the corner I grabbed him and put the gun to his head. I was so high I didn’t know what I was doing.
“My father was shocked … he said he wouldn’t leave until I had kicked drugs. It was that moment that I realised I couldn’t do this to my family and the people I loved. I had to take control of my drug problem.”
After his ban, Bosnich unsuccessfully tried to secure a contract in England, training with QPR and Portsmouth. He later moved back to his native Australia and finished his career with non-league Sydney Olympic in 2010.
These days, Bosnich is said to have turned his back on the drugs and is now a commentator and analyst for Fox Sports football programmes. He has also been known to work as a player agent. Well I suppose if you need advice from your agent, you might as well take it from someone who has already made all the mistakes.
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